I haven't been posting anything at all these few months, have I? Well, I decided to start writing here again because I've just started a new chapter in life that I want to document. Also, I plan on posting more food blogs now that I have the luxury of eating out plenty of times throughout the week as I am nowhere near home cooked dishes.
Time feels so fleeting. I barely feel acquainted to my new college and I've made a loose handful of friends, and already, it's over a month gone from me. September is ending next week. How is that possible? Time is so senseless, isn't it? Philosophical debate over time set aside, however, my new university experience has been... interesting.
So, a little bit of background. I was previously studying in my home country of Malaysia, and recently moved to the state of Missouri to study in the University of Missouri Columbia. I'm majoring in journalism and I hope to be focusing in Magazine Writing. And I have no clue what on earth I'm doing.
It's been hard to find... substance (?) in what I've been doing since I've come to the States. Back home, I was 'resident journalist' in my program (okay, maybe just in my head, but still). But here, every other person you meet is a journalism student, and they all have so much to prove for it. They've got ambition, drive, will and they're daring. They're bold (ironic that I italicized bold, right? My mind, I know). They ask these insightful, thought-provoking questions in class and I'm just sitting there in this massive lecture theater with no clue at all what on earth's happening.
I don't miss home, per say. I miss familiarity, I suppose. I miss having friends to badger incessantly without remorse. Making new friends and being so authentically yourself right off the bat is... well, it's impossible. I've just got to give it time. But, I feel like I've just really settled in to my last college and already I had to leave. It isn't fair.
I've tried talking to friends about how I feel. Problem is, I have no idea how to articulate. I know, sounds cringy and melodramatic, but I feel just a little bit numb but not in an alarming way. I just feel like... unmotivated. But I still have some kind of drive. I feel momentary but lost, but I know what I want. I just feel a little bit paradoxical, I guess. I'm not sure.
I keep saying that I just need time to settle in but am I really doing anything that will actively help me settle in? I've made a couple of good friends but it's not like... I don't know. It's hard to explain. I keep repeating those words like maybe if I don't explain it, eventually someone will just sort of get it.
I don't know. I really don't know.
But I say these words with half of a laugh and not really any sadness or worry. I'm unconcerned, I'm smiling and laughing, and rather genuinely at that. I'm having fun. I'm trying new things. I'm spending way too much money. Yet, on a higher level, I'm just feeling a little lost about my direction in life, I guess. I want to go back to writing but it's a bit terrifying. I want to work, but that's scary too. I want to intern in New York, but I haven't really looked into it. There's so much I want to do, and some of the stuff I've really done (I'm a columnist now for the student paper), but still, I feel like I'm not doing enough.
I don't really know what to say. I don't really know if I'm feeling what I'm feeling or if I've just persuaded myself enough to fit into that 'Oh, I'm a teen in a new country and I'm so lost and petrified'. I keep saying that I'm figuring things out and discovering parts of myself but I'm doing absolutely nothing to further in my journey. It's just all mere words, isn't it? Speaking things into existence doesn't work. You just say it. Means bull.
Just to clarify again, I'm not saying any of these in bitterness or remorse or anything negative. It's all rather neutral, if not shrouded by a glint of positivity. I'm looking forward to the future. I'm looking forward to growth. I just feel a bit bleh right now. Nothing makes sense, so it's okay if you don't get what I'm trying to put out here. S'Alright.
Anyways, thanks for reading all that mess. Hope everyone has a jolly good time.
Love,
Claudia
Time feels so fleeting. I barely feel acquainted to my new college and I've made a loose handful of friends, and already, it's over a month gone from me. September is ending next week. How is that possible? Time is so senseless, isn't it? Philosophical debate over time set aside, however, my new university experience has been... interesting.
So, a little bit of background. I was previously studying in my home country of Malaysia, and recently moved to the state of Missouri to study in the University of Missouri Columbia. I'm majoring in journalism and I hope to be focusing in Magazine Writing. And I have no clue what on earth I'm doing.
It's been hard to find... substance (?) in what I've been doing since I've come to the States. Back home, I was 'resident journalist' in my program (okay, maybe just in my head, but still). But here, every other person you meet is a journalism student, and they all have so much to prove for it. They've got ambition, drive, will and they're daring. They're bold (ironic that I italicized bold, right? My mind, I know). They ask these insightful, thought-provoking questions in class and I'm just sitting there in this massive lecture theater with no clue at all what on earth's happening.
I don't miss home, per say. I miss familiarity, I suppose. I miss having friends to badger incessantly without remorse. Making new friends and being so authentically yourself right off the bat is... well, it's impossible. I've just got to give it time. But, I feel like I've just really settled in to my last college and already I had to leave. It isn't fair.
I've tried talking to friends about how I feel. Problem is, I have no idea how to articulate. I know, sounds cringy and melodramatic, but I feel just a little bit numb but not in an alarming way. I just feel like... unmotivated. But I still have some kind of drive. I feel momentary but lost, but I know what I want. I just feel a little bit paradoxical, I guess. I'm not sure.
I keep saying that I just need time to settle in but am I really doing anything that will actively help me settle in? I've made a couple of good friends but it's not like... I don't know. It's hard to explain. I keep repeating those words like maybe if I don't explain it, eventually someone will just sort of get it.
I don't know. I really don't know.
But I say these words with half of a laugh and not really any sadness or worry. I'm unconcerned, I'm smiling and laughing, and rather genuinely at that. I'm having fun. I'm trying new things. I'm spending way too much money. Yet, on a higher level, I'm just feeling a little lost about my direction in life, I guess. I want to go back to writing but it's a bit terrifying. I want to work, but that's scary too. I want to intern in New York, but I haven't really looked into it. There's so much I want to do, and some of the stuff I've really done (I'm a columnist now for the student paper), but still, I feel like I'm not doing enough.
I don't really know what to say. I don't really know if I'm feeling what I'm feeling or if I've just persuaded myself enough to fit into that 'Oh, I'm a teen in a new country and I'm so lost and petrified'. I keep saying that I'm figuring things out and discovering parts of myself but I'm doing absolutely nothing to further in my journey. It's just all mere words, isn't it? Speaking things into existence doesn't work. You just say it. Means bull.
Just to clarify again, I'm not saying any of these in bitterness or remorse or anything negative. It's all rather neutral, if not shrouded by a glint of positivity. I'm looking forward to the future. I'm looking forward to growth. I just feel a bit bleh right now. Nothing makes sense, so it's okay if you don't get what I'm trying to put out here. S'Alright.
Anyways, thanks for reading all that mess. Hope everyone has a jolly good time.
Love,
Claudia
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